Is writing in the present tense now as beyond me as LIVING in the present is? How did I (a fool) manage to miss the obvious. I notice - noticed - nothing. Nothing at all. I like to think I'm a good person, still... even if (admittedly) only by reflex. I served out my sentence - six years in a large square concrete building filled with boredom and despair (secondary school), yet one that filled my mind with knowledge and wisdom and helped me to become what I am today. Six years in the hands of teachers who speak loudly and point at things with large sticks. Reading the human being used to be drilled into my psyche, into my perceptions.... And now I am left wondering what is different.

When all I want is to lay in bed with someone, two bodies and voices and thoughts intertwined in darkness... I am left with mediocrity. And I feel like death warmed up. I find it funny how CONFESSION can create a released sense of calm, how it can bleed away the restlessness and engulf you so completely. And in the same mind-numbing instance, leave you so completely empty and regretful that your heart feels like it will explode. When all else fails - keep your mouth shut.

Today's panties - black boylegs, with handcuffs on the front