Its a sad point in your life when you believe that the people that you care the most about have abandoned you. But that is another part of life I'm afraid... afraid. I wonder if many of us will ever know the true sense of that word, to be truly afraid of something, or someone... Its a terrifying thought, that we should ever be placed in a position of such fear. I can't think of much to write about tonight..

At work I had a lovely old couple come in... They were telling me how they'd been out for the night and gone to the local Hotel for dinner (Roast Pork, $10.50 per head), and how they'd enjoyed it. Came in for a bottle of white wine before they went home. And I had the thought that it would be wonderful to be like that when you're older... to still have that friendlyness and vitality about you that makes others smile. You meet a lot of elderly people who are grumpy and miserable and it saddens me to think that life has made them like that.

Today's panties: Pink boylegs. X

When we say the world is complex, life is complex... the world is beautiful, life is beautiful... just how complex, and beautiful are the human beings that inhabit the world, life... and everything else?

An online diary that was originally supposed to be a daily record has now turned into an occassional record. But thats life I suppose at some point... you end up with other more important committments, work, relationships, home life. And then theres not much you can do about it. Its just the way it is. Funny how I keep telling myself that recently. Takes the stress out of it though I must admit. Its quite nice to just be able to sit back and enjoy the ride and let the universe work it out for you. Lately I've been talking about the universe quite a bit. Which is suprising for me because I've always believed that you have to work bloody hard for what you want and to hold onto it. But somehow... everything has been working itself out without having to stress over it or worry or be generally concerned. I'm filled with a kind of knowledge that it will work out exactly as I want it and it will be wonderful. Which is incredibly relieiving in an odd kind of way.

The last few days I've spent with the Boy. The Boy is turning out to be perfect in pretty much every way. We laugh and carry on and have fun together. Its been so long since I've smiled this much and the incredible thing is that I never want it to end. Knowing that I've said this now it may be a different story next week. But hey. Thats the spontaneous nature of the world we live in. For now I'm just happy to hold onto the beauty of what this has become, and share part of it with all of you.

Today's panties: None. Underwear is over rated. X

The A - Z of Alcohol (part five)

S is for Soda
That horrible stuff that people have a tendency to put in scotch or vodka, or gin and ruin a perfectly good alcoholic beverage

T is for Tequila
A wonderfully potent and extremely popular drink that is most often associated with Mexico and Mexicans, sitting around, in their sombraros and poncho's and drinking tequila while playing guitar and shooting each other in the foot. Stereotypical, I know, but I find it funny.

U is for
I don't know. Anyone have a decent alcoholic beverage for 'U' ??

V is for Vodka
Perhaps the most versatile and popular drink of all. Coming in many forms from pre mixed to flavoured and in many sizes from cans to bottles to baby bottles. A wonderful drink. Especially when mixed with orange and Galliano and ice, I find.

Work this evening was great, the locals were funny and had their great sense of humour intact, despite the horribleness of the cold wind and rain that was pummelling the area. You see a bloke come in wet and freezing from head to toe, with mud and dirt all over him, and he's got a smile on his face and a spring in his step:

ME: "How are you tonight, love?"
HE: "Doing better now, thankyou darlin"

Although, something resounding funny did happen tonight... a bloke came in and smelled of noodles... and I have an obsession with noodles, they're my little addiction... well, at least its a healthy one (somewhat)! And it was just so good, that I sniffed him... he freaked out and we both ended up laughing hysterically. It was great, funny as hell, to see the look on his face when I leant in and sniffed him... Yeah, I'm a freaky girl.

My pay this week is going to be fantastic, and I may finally be able to do some clothes shopping and put some more money into my savings account. And on top of all that, I get to see the boy on Monday for a couple of days. Life is looking up. And I'm loving every minute.

Today's panties: Red boylegs X

Tonight was a little slow at work, I got called in unexpectedly because a co worker was sick (poor girl, she's a sweetheart) and they needed someone to cover. Who covers better than I do? No one! AHAHAHA! It was a weekday, and it was expected to be slow... but there was so much to do. It hadn't looked like anyone had dusted the wines since I was last there, it was disgusting. Everytime I washed my hands the soap came up black from the dust and grime. And on the positive side, it looks like I won't need a second job... I got offered some more hours for July because a few people are going away, and someone has to cover, and as we've already discussed, no one covers better than I!

I'm positively pinging at the moment, and I swear that has nothing to do with the bag of chips I just ate (not just ANY chips mind you, the most gorgeous, deliciously addictive chips on the face of the planet - Red Rock Deli chips... I just consumed a bag of Dijon Mustard and Honey flavoured and MY GOD I want more!), no no no, my hyperness is due to the fact that I'm so damn happy! I haven't been this happy in a bloody long time and its strange, but I'd almost forgotten what this felt like. And I'm glad to have it back...

So that is my happy rant for this evening, am now attempting to counteract the potato chips I just ate with the largest bottle of water known to man kind. I'm just one big contradiction today.

Today's panties: White lace. X

Back with a vengence!

My body and mind are both surprisingly rejuvenated. An outcome I was not expecting after a weekend away. I was expecting to be resoundingly tired and overworked. And wanting nothing more than to fall back into my bed and sleep for the rest of the week. Yet this is not the case, no no.

The weekend was lovely, time spent indoors in front of the fire and more noticably, in bed, while the rain and wind and storms pelted the windows and the tin roof and made for a very... intense environment indeed. But I'm back, and better than ever. Desperately looking forward to getting back to work and wanting - more than anything at this point - to be back in that lovely bed. I believe I'm going to have to start looking for another job... Hmm... ponderisms afoot.

Today's panties: blue and white stripped boylegs. X

This will be the last time I'll write something here for a few days. I'm going away with my new bloke and needless to say will be too... 'busy' to get to a computer. Vulgar, I know, but so incredibly honest. I was brought up knowing that honesty was always a good thing, that it was better to be honest than to lie to yourself and to others. But I have to wonder: Can honesty ever be too much of a good thing? Surely in some circumstances this answer is yes. But morally I feel that I should always be honest with those around me. Regardless of if it would hurt them or not. I think it would be better to be honest from the beginning than to risk many things by being dishonest. If a husband cheats on his wife, should he tell her and risk her happiness and their marriage? Or should he keep his mouth shut, and live with that guilt? Surely, a clever woman would realise eventually that there was something wrong... Its hard to have such an opinion when the example I gave is not one that I can relate to... It is times like this when you think how accurate the use of a 'sigh' can be.

"Honesty is the best policy"... if this is so, then why are surrounded by a world of lies? In a society where politicians run the world, and a politician is said to be worse than a car dealer (ahem), then I wonder when this saying fell into the wood work. Honesty is the best policy. I believe that with all of my being. And I have to wonder if there will ever come a time when I am forced to abandon it. Or forced to ignore it.

This is a song thats touched me recently, that I've felt deeply and loved to listen to. Its soothing, I find.
Bless The Child - Nightwish

"I was born amidst the purple waterfalls.
I was weak, yet not unblessed.
Dead to the world. Alive for the journey.
One night I dreamt a white rose withering,
a newborn drowning a lifetime loneliness.
I dreamt all my future. Relived my past.
And witnessed the beauty of the beast"

Where have all the feelings gone?
Why has all the laughter ceased?

Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
Gone back in time to bless the child
Think of me long enough to make a memory
Come bless the child one more time

How can I ever feel again?
Given the chance would I return?

I've never felt so alone in my life
As I drank from a cup which was counting my time
There's a poison drop in this cup of Man
To drink it is to follow the left hand path

"Where have all the feelings gone?
Why is the deadliest sin - to love as I loved you?
Now unblessed, homesick in time,
soon to be freed from care, from human pain.
My tale is the most bitter truth:
Time pays us but with earth & dust, and a dark, silent grave.
Remember, my child: Without innocence the cross is only iron,
hope is only an illusion & Ocean Soul's nothing but a name...

The Child bless thee & keep thee forever"

My day was going relatively well, until two things happened. The first of which involved my boss suddenly springing a weekend off on me. I was under the impression that I was working, and the sudden lack of work, had me a little worried to be frank and honest. Cleared that up, they're just giving me a weekend off. Sounds good. The second of which involved this conversation:

V: Hello thar.
ME: Howdy.
V: How's it goin?
ME: Pretty good. You?
V: Halfway through.
ME: Halfway through... what? Cooking? Thinking? Rotting away until you're a mass of bones in your six foot deep grave? Be more specific.
V: My four week suspension.
ME: So, what? You think you're hardcore now?

My god people are getting stupider and stupider. If THIS is an example of the future of this country, I think I can safely say, we're officially fucked.

Today's panties: Red cotton with "Kiss Me" written on the front. X

Today was a day of realisation, and understanding. Making a dear friend realise that he didn't have to live with one extreme or the other, that there is a balance and that it just takes time to find it. It made me realise the same thing. That there is always a balance, you just have to look at the whole picture, and realise that you need both aspects to be sane.

Today's panties: Black cotton, with a skull and crossbones on the front. X

Well, I've definately got my appetite back. I ate more today than I did all last week. I feel almost revolting, and my stomach is crying out for help. Its a horrible feeling really, but I hope I can keep it down. I tend to chunder when I eat too much. Anyway, I spent the day driving mostly, I gave my car a good run with my dad and got some more practice in... yeah, I know you all wanna give me shit about not having my license yet... Then discovered that the Australian government is making it compulsory for all learner drivers to have 120 hours worth of practice. Which totally destroyed me, as now I have about ten hours, total... over a period of two years. Yeah, I know I suck.


I tried to do some painting, an iceberg kinda scene... lots of snow and white and the small ripples in the water. It just ended up looking like a white and grey blob in the middle of the canvas. I haven't had much luck lately with these ideas. The naturalistic idea is working out well... but I can't get the tonal shades right for the forestry. Its kinda annoying, having this half finished, amateurish piece looking at me from across the room. One side of the canvas is looking fantastic, its just those bloody leaves...

Today's panties: Pink lace. X

I came home from a weekend of partying yesterday, was dropped off by my guy and my mate, and went to work shortly afterwards. Today I didn't do anything major. I didn't want to think, so I spent the hours doing housework... pretty much everything, even cleaning windows. And then as soon as I ran out of things to do, I get a phonecall from my ex... and thats not something I really want to go into. As soon as things get good in your life, everything else suddenly takes a massive dive, and you end up trying to juggle a billion things at once, often unsuccessfully I might add. For once I just wish that everything would fall into its own place quite happily, that things would be easy. But then, where would be the fun in that.

If the world was to throw you a free pass now and then... I have to wonder what the consequence would be. They teach you in science that every action has a reaction... so you have to wonder how the universe and the rest of your life would react. If we got a free bone would something in our lives be thrown as well? Would our partners leave us? Would we lose our jobs? Our cars? Our homes? Would their be an accident of some kind? Would we lose someone we loved? It just shows you to be careful what you wish for.

I mentioned this dilemma to a friend of mine the other day, one of my colleagues. And she said "When it rains, it pours." and you have to notice how right she was. When things get good... busy in your life, everything else does as well. When there isn't anything happening, work is slow. So is your social life. And just when you think you've got a good balance of both... WHAMMO!

Today's panties: Black lace and silk, with yellow polkadots and a pink ribbon on the front. X

I don't want to turn into one of those women that just talks about the men in their life because they have nothing better to discuss. I know that I'm more intelligent and more mature than that. I know that the people around me that listen to this bullshit deserve more than that.

Today was just an average day, I'm feeling a lot better, but I'm still not back at work. I started working out again today, and it felt nice, to get my muscles moving again... you could feel them strain because they haven't been used in a couple of weeks. Doing squats and crunches still hurts, but thats to be expected when they use my stomach muscles. I went out and paid a few bills, spoke to a friend of mine that I hadn't heard from in a while, it was nice to talk to her. We arranged to go out together tomorrow, meet up with the boys and have a few drinks, maybe hit a movie. I'm looking forward to it, I haven't done anything like that in a while with my mates. Knowing us we'll probably see some strange movie, most likely Shrek the Third. LOL. for some reason kids movies are always more entertaining that the adult ones. Last time we went and saw 'Happy Feet', the cinema was filled with adults, it was a blast. So tomorrow night I won't be blogging to all of you, I'll be sitting in a bar with my mates and enjoying the night life of the city. Hope you all have a great weekend too.

Today's panties: Turquoise lace. X