Domestic day, uninteresting and absurdly boring. Housework, washing... so much bloody washing. I feel like Mrs. Wong (elderly chinese lady that owns a laundromat in the city). The human mind amazes me, as much as you try to do the 'right thing' and the 'nice thing', try to make someone's life that tiny bit easier and they throw it back in your face. I'm not really in the mood to write tonight... far too tired. Today's panties: black satin reading "Bad Kitty" at the front. Tempting? Hell yes.

A very long day. A very long tiring day. A horrible horrible day. Ultimately, my conclusion is this - starting work at 6am is NOT FUN. After starting at 6am, I did the usual things... dealt with some people, over saw a delivery, talked to my boss. And to think, that I have to get up again at 5am on Wednesday. I walked home when my shift was over, took time and dawdled. I stopped in the local cemetary (ironic how people make jokes about it being the 'dead centre of town' when it most cases a cemetary is located on the towns outskirts, anyway) and took some photos of the beautiful old headstones. Its amazing, the history you can learn from them, people's birth dates and death dates... A group of headstones together, all children under ten, all dead within two years, five of them... You can gain a small insight into the life of those times... The hardships that people face... And I am sorry. I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose so many people you care about, you love, in such a short space of time... Nor ever for that matter. Just to live through such an experience... To be the one that buries your children. I cannot begin to imagine what pain that could cause someone. Or how that would affect them physically/psychologically.

The photographs will be for reference for some new art pieces I'm working on... I'm enjoying exploring this new subject matter. Not just for the image, but for the history. With each name I find I feel like I'm finding part of that person, something they left behind. And then every now and then you see a familiar name. Not necessarily that I knew said person, but just the sound of it... It may sound morbid. But I don't think that. I think of it as more... A Homage for the Dead. I like that... Homage. Homage (noun): A public show of respect or honour for someone or something. I like the idea of showing people these headstones, finding out as much as I can about the stone's "owner", and telling them what I can. Almost like keeping their memory alive. Its interesting how, in the cemetary, walking alone amongst these long forgotten headstones, that I felt safe and oddly happy... at home, and peace. Odd? Todays panties: Black, with 'Kiss Me' written on the front. Any volunteers?

A very tired, average feeling Tracey writes to you today, last night - while not being a complete disaster, was just well... Its hard to describe... The birthday girl ended up in tears for most of the night, so it generally dampened the mood lets say. I got to see a few of my mates, which was fun, and I'd love to see them all again... Photos were taken and times were enjoyed. Beer was consumed and fights were had... Cars were abandoned for the safer option of walking home. And it is now that I reflect upon last night, and realise that I may have been better off staying at home. In a couple of hours I have to go to work. But at least I can (hopefully) have a slow night. Sunday's generally aren't too bad. The friends I saw last night, they weren't the friendly faces I wanted to see... so many people that are important to my life weren't there. And can't be there. And it was horrible, and reflective. And when you think about things like that you realise that you've come to a point in your life when you need to make some big decisions regarding your future, and your life. When you think about the people in your life, those that mean more to you than the world, and those that appear more as just stops along the way.

There isn't a whole lot someone can say about the people that you love without sounding like a complete soppy muppet... But then, if you mean as much to them, they should already know it... Shouldn't they?

So I ask this: What do you do when your life is falling apart, and the one thing that means the world, is the one thing you can't have? Do you fight and believe (in ignorance... or stupidity) that maybe, just maybe one day it will happen and things will be grand. Or do you finally accept that one day will never come, and live without that beauty in your life, for the rest of your life. Then again, maybe some answers aren't meant to be known. Or maybe, you have to leave the decision making up to the world around you, and just sit back and enjoy the ride. It may be an optimistic option, but maybe the world is on my side.

Todays panties: Black boylegs that read "It doesn't count, if you don't get caught"

Another long, incredibly boring day at the office. It appears that the local alcoholics dislike the cold immensely... for in three hours I had only twelve customers (yes... I counted). And now I sit here, obediently writing to all the people on cyberspace who have nothing better to do than read what happens in my life. I hope you find it significantly more interesting than I do. Applying mascara is not easy when you're trying to type at the same time incidentally. Just so you know. At the present time I'm resting and eating a little something so I can go out and experience yet another moment of drunken teenage awesomeness. I feel I am obligated to such actions as I am now of an age where one can't get a smacked arse for coming in late in various states of intoxication and (disgustingly) covered in vomit. Note: That while I have never thrown up from the consumption of alcohol, I hear that this is some kind of bookmark in adolescence.

Just a quick one tonight so I can keep with the updates. I swear that tomorrow's entry will be significantly better. I did have some profound thoughts earlier about plague and the four horseman of the apocalypse... but not to worry. Todays panties: Green and white striped boylegs. Although I may end up not wearing any. To be continued...

Is writing in the present tense now as beyond me as LIVING in the present is? How did I (a fool) manage to miss the obvious. I notice - noticed - nothing. Nothing at all. I like to think I'm a good person, still... even if (admittedly) only by reflex. I served out my sentence - six years in a large square concrete building filled with boredom and despair (secondary school), yet one that filled my mind with knowledge and wisdom and helped me to become what I am today. Six years in the hands of teachers who speak loudly and point at things with large sticks. Reading the human being used to be drilled into my psyche, into my perceptions.... And now I am left wondering what is different.

When all I want is to lay in bed with someone, two bodies and voices and thoughts intertwined in darkness... I am left with mediocrity. And I feel like death warmed up. I find it funny how CONFESSION can create a released sense of calm, how it can bleed away the restlessness and engulf you so completely. And in the same mind-numbing instance, leave you so completely empty and regretful that your heart feels like it will explode. When all else fails - keep your mouth shut.

Today's panties - black boylegs, with handcuffs on the front

Okay, so this is now officially the second day that I've missed since I started this blog. The first was because of a party - which was fucking fantastic actually. Yesterday was because my phone company, in all its glorious STUPIDITY cut my phone lines for no damn reason. Yes, I had paid the bills, and yes, I had kept the receipt. So there were many hours of abuse spent on the phone yesterday. But eventually they put it back on (although they still had no good reason for turning it off) eight hours later. AND they wanted to charge me $150 to come to my house and see what the problem was... I have no patience for these idiots. NONE. Maybe the phone companies should stop hiring CHILDREN TO DO THEIR BLOODY WORK!!

Okay, now enough with the ranting. Today was a fun day generally (I'll get to the horrible part towards the end of this entry). Originally started off rather good with plans to go out shopping with a friend (sex shopping)... but then she didn't come. Nope, too busy fucking her boyfriend's brains out (LITERALLY - the chap has about as much intelligence as a snail). Anyway. So that didn't happen. Instead I called up my dear friend who I've known since kindergarten and her and her boyfriend took me sex shopping. Where I purchased: A pair of good fur lined wrist cuffs, a small vibrator, a pair of fluffy sex game dice, and bondage dice. Then after that, we went clothes shopping, where I got myself: a pair of zebra striped panties with red and white lace, a pair of black panties with handcuffs on them and a trilby hat. Anyone who has seen a trilby will know what I'm talking about. So now I have panties to match my "porn-star" zebra print bedsheets. Which I think is just enough on this side of tacky to be tolerable. Anyway, they're supremely comfy. When we got back to her place, she went to work - and me, in all my forgetful habits, left my wallet in her car. Complete with bankcard, ID, and medicare card... I'm not worried, because I know that she'll keep it until I grab it... but still. I hate that I forgot it. Yesterday when I got money from the ATM I forgot my receipt (granted, that may have been because I went into the store in my pajamas... but still). I've been really forgetful lately and its a little upsetting - I'm normally miss. reliable... GAH. I'm beating myself up over something small. I'll get it off her in a couple of days. Rant officially over. Todays panties - white lace boylegs.

When I saw this, I originally started laughing hysterically... then almost sadly as I realised it was almost disgustingly true. I mean, working in a liquor store, one sees the effects of alcohol - not to mention being a young woman and attending all the associated parties simply laden with drunkeness and endless alcohol induced comedic stupidity... but it is simply horrendously true!! Granted, I've never fallen subject to alcohol lowered standards... but my standards have been lowered due to obvious horniness... Something I may never live down in my circle of friends. But ah... how fun it is to be young and gossip of the week. A short entry today - but I'm sure you'll survive. As for todays panties - purple and white striped boylegs, with a white lace trim.